First Annual Green Narrows Swim Meet

Team C

It started off as a joke on Paddle Prattle. But we quickly adopted it as a good way to amuse ourselves and now the results are in:

So after sitting around the dinner table 2 nights in a row, recalling our runs, calling out each other for various screw ups, debating the fairness of the scoring system, and making up new point values for unforeseen incidents such as the 'body brace' 'assisted roll' 'the dry exit' 'general bodily injury' , 'debilitating bodily injury' losing a paddle and being landed on. and arguing over whether points should be given out for portaging or sneaking a rapid, amid some contraversy, a preliminary winner was crowned. It all goes to show that it pays to know a river.

10th place- 9 points - Boofsquire. the man can paddle, and he opted not to scout or portage anything on either day. he also carried back up to run gorilla again without a paddle because "the ladies wanted me to, and

9th place- 45 points - Ryan Moore. (pays to be local) also, beached seal award. no portages day 2

8th place - 52 points - Chuck Norris. earned points exclusively by waiting until an anonymous boater was stuck in a hole, then ramming them with his boat, and deliberately swimming into undercuts and then hiding underwater, punching any boater unlucky enough to flip close to him.

7th place- 60 points - Bobby Miller. (would have won if not for his dry extraction at sunshine.)no portages ran all rapids but snuck go left (Sunday@ 220%)had only injury free run of gorilla day 1

6th place- 61 points - Joe Stumpfel - ran much of the river upside down both days but avoided the major beat downs. edged boddy out for 5th by flipping twice in boogie water near the take out on day 2

5th place- 76 points - Sean Devine - generally clean but added points by playing in undercuts and fighting with Chuck Norris. Accused by Boofsquire of fixing his score by sneaking or carrying the big 3 rapids.

4th place - 124 points - Billy Costigan - Solid runs in most of the big rapids kept him out of the top 3, but backwards runs of several rapids including Zwick's and a 35 point beat down in Rapid Transit propelled him over 100 points, also had perhaps the funniest piton of the weekend, getting whiplash, face planting his deck and leaving a trail of snot all over. all in all not bad for only having run the green once before, if i may say so.

3rd place - 187 points - Maggie Snowel - Maggie accumulated an impressive score to grab 3rd place, even without the help of a serious pin or beat down. Maggie ran the west coast offense to perfection with a dazzling combination of rock braces, missed rolls, and brief broaches against undercuts, and pulled out all the stops in the end by pitoning off Sunshine (25) and denting her bow (12), then flailing around in hammer factor to seal the bronze.

2nd place - 276 points - Geoff Calhoun - rarely do you get the chance to witness spectacular bone jarring carnage and hilarity without a cable TV. geoff went big on day one with a 100+ point wipe out at gorilla, complete with rock on collar bone and helmet contact. grabbing the 'debilitating bodily injury' bonus. he, however, failed to break a paddle, bone, or his helmet, however so he went for the kamikaze in the next rapid, Powerslide, as one paddler was being surfed, Geoff slid down, penciled under their boat but made solid boat on forehead contact, lost his paddle and hand rolled up, but again, failed to catastrophically injure himself. Injuries a non-issue the following day, he competed again, but failed to hurt himself in all the major rapids, and it wasn't until a 3 point pin in one of the last class 3 rapids that he pulled away and earned himself the silver.

1st place - 2007 Green Narrows Swim meet champion - 827 points - Kyle Black.
Never before has the world seen a boof stroke so fruitless, or seen someone piton so hard that they altered the riverbed. Kyle managed to dent both ends of his boat in the warm up rapids, go through the right slot at go left, twice, bruise several anonymous paddlers rib cages by running into them, put 2 cracks in his boat, vertically pin in cheif, pencil under the rock at sunshine and get pinned upside down in an undercut for a full minute, requiring extraction. Several locals who obviously have 'localist' or elitist complexes pleaded with him not to put on on day 2 with the green near 250%, but he resisted their pleas, and had one of the most spectacularly ugly upside down and backwards runs of the first half of the creek that came to an epic climax when Kyle went over the handlebars and landed upside down off gorilla on day 2, breaking his neck, swimming all the way through nutcracker and having to be carried out by a team of volunteer firefighters who found him unconscious muttering something about how awesome his boof stroke was.

Congratulations Kyle!!!

Thanks to all who participated except Chuck Norris, who still owes me 50 bucks for gas

Honorable Mentions:

Jim Sterett- Old man award, loudest piton award, and profanity screaming champion
Rob Tomkins - Scariest brace award for his quick recovery above the Gorilla Flume
The C-1 paddler - who broke his paddle in Pencil Sharpener, hand braced through the Notch, and managed to eddy out above Gorilla with just his hands - extreme bad ass save award
The guy who - penciled, broke his paddle, blew his skirt, got recirculated through the cave, and eventually swam out of Sunshine @200%

(written by Geoff Calhoun)